


It Didn't Matter Anyway

by Nectardust



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: As a crackship, But they actually do kinda work?, Challenge Response, Crack, Don't Read This, I maybe had too much fun with this, Interesting use of creeping crystal, M/M, Or read at your own risk, crack humor, nothing explicit though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-29 16:10:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19403818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nectardust/pseuds/Nectardust
Summary: How could the Cabbage Merchant deny a powerful Earthbending king?





	It Didn't Matter Anyway

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written and posted in 2007. Unbeta'ed and unchanged from original post.

They were both initially linked through the Avatar. Of course, it was expected that the Avatar bring people together, but the Cabbage Merchant didn't think this was the way to go about it. King Bumi just accepted it with a roll of his shoulders and a crazy grin, and suddenly the Cabbage Merchant forgot all about the cursed Airbender in favor of focusing on the outlandish Earthbending king. He didn't know how it all started, and he didn't think Bumi cared to remember the beginning – only that it continue. Because this, whatever "this" referred to, was fun, and life was supposed to be fun, wasn't it? The Cabbage Merchant dared to glance at his ruined vegetables and let the common complaint fly through his head – "My cabbages!" – accompanied by internal wailing, and wondered how any of this could be considered "fun." It wouldn't seem like it would be, but it didn't matter anyway. It was.

Considering how often the Cabbage Merchant's goods were destroyed, it was surprisingly rare that he interacted with the king. Over time, though, his face became familiar from shouting threats in the throne room and one day Bumi ordered the guards to drag the poor vender to one of the prison cells – the good one that used to be bad, before it was remodeled. It was a nice, cozy little room and the Cabbage Merchant certainly couldn't afford such luxury from selling his damaged wares, so he settled himself in for a nice stay. That night was the first that the king appeared to him, privately, and the first time the Cabbage Merchant fully understood the dangerous combination of "crazy" and "Earthbending." The king started it, but it didn't matter anyway. The vender let it continue.

It had all been Bumi's idea, of course. The Cabbage Merchant certainly wouldn't have suggested – _that_ – but the king had and how could he go against the king? Bumi had jiggled his feet in the middle of the room and said in a sing-song voice, "I know what we can do! Something I've always wanted to do but could never find reason to do it!" The Cabbage Merchant wondered when the king had ever needed a reason, but at that point it was still too early to speak out against the king's power. "I've always wanted to taste - cockrock!" And the Cabbage Merchant fainted. It didn't matter anyway. Bumi always got what he wanted.

After awhile it became routine, and the Cabbage Merchant wasn't as disgusted as he was at first. He could even say he found the king…charming. In an odd sort of way. When he felt the other man's tongue sliding wetly along his, he died a little inside but it was better than going hungry in the streets of the Earth Kingdom. When he felt the king's strong hands cupping his front, he jumped, but he still felt safer inside the king's arms than out. He couldn't explain it. It didn't matter anyway. It was understood to be unexplainable.

"Off with—" The Cabbage Merchant stopped mid-scream, letting the words, "their heads," fall unspoken into the air between them. The King of Omashu was there in one of his gaudy, eccentric robes, dancing and twirling so he could feel the sleeves flapping against his arms. His robe was a solid Earth-kingdom shade of green silk, but there were tiny rainbow threads and silver stars sewn in random patches to make up for the so-far lack of originality. The king also wore a cone-shaped birthday hat on his head, even though the Cabbage Merchant could have sworn they "celebrated" the king's birthday a month or so ago. It didn't matter anway. They didn't need a reason.

"Off with my clothes!" Bumi shrieked, quickly shedding the outer layers and the Cabbage Merchant winced as the rainbows and stars hit the dirt with a soft thump. The king twirled and stomped his foot and a mound of earth rose from the ground in a glorious display of Earthbending and power. The Cabbage Merchant lifted his eyes from the crumpled garment now half-buried in sand just in time to see dust and pebbles raining on the half-naked lunatic. His eyes widened and he took a half-step back, just in case he got pulled into Bumi's nonsense. It didn't matter anyway. He always was.

The king had more muscles than the Cabbage Merchant had ever seen in his life. And it wasn't the mere physical representation of power that unnerved the poor vegetable vender; it was the king's bending power. Sometimes Bumi liked to go a bit far in demonstrating his Earthbending abilities, like the times he bound the powerless Cabbage Merchant in his favorite kind of cell – creeping crystal. What better game than to encase someone dear to you in a prison of sweet, edible rock? The king always said it wasn't just the rock candy he liked to taste, though the Cabbage Merchant suspected otherwise; there were just two varying kinds of "rock candy" at play. Though Bumi more than made up for the torture of being trapped in the green crystal, genemite, the lowly Cabbage Merchant never looked forward to those evenings. It didn't matter anyway. Tonight wasn't Wednesday.

The two men had a mental connection. Bumi was a master of Neutral Jing, and he waited and listened and bided his time in order to make the best possible choice at the right moment. It was a good thing he was good at reading people and listening, because the Cabbage Merchant supplied him with enough loud gibberish to play with for hours on end. The vender screamed, and the king listened. They were different. It didn't matter anyway. They were balanced.

They were opposites, and it was said that opposites attract. They were two old men and they repelled each other. The Cabbage Merchant screamed about the many injustices of his life. He threw tantrums and yelled and stomped his feet and he couldn't get anywhere in life because life just wouldn't leave him alone and he hated it. King Bumi smiled and chuckled and did his best to make any situation fun. His mismatched eyes glinted with mischief and behind the fun-loving exterior, his eyes were wise and his heart full. He saw everything life threw at him as a golden chance because life was a game, albeit an important one, and he loved it. The Cabbage Merchant couldn't understand how the king could let the Avatar and his friends walk away freely after destroying his goods, and the king couldn't understand how the Cabbage Merchant couldn't laugh off the incident as "all in good fun." They didn't see eye to eye. It didn't matter anyway. They didn't need to.

There was no initial physical attraction. How could there be? They were both old men, wrinkled and bearded and pretending the years hadn't passed as often as they had. The king especially seemed disfigured somehow, with his weird tufts of hair, his right eye bigger and greener than his left, and bushy clumps of white, smelly armpit hair that the Cabbage Merchant had _not_ started to use as a pillow after hours. And the king had liver spots. No, there was no physical reaction to being in the king's presence. It didn't matter anyway. Bumi's voice was enough.

Bumi was more than a bit eccentric, but he meant and believed in everything he did. He wouldn't lie to the Cabbage Merchant or do the things he did just for a laugh. Well, maybe he'd push a couple carts of cabbages down the mailing system, and sometimes ride amidst the vegetables for fun, but he would never seriously belittle the Cabbage Merchant's feelings. He wouldn't play him like the poor sap he was and ship him off to Ba Sing Se, even though sometimes he might feel it would be better business inside the wall of the other Earth Kingdom city. No, he wanted his Cabbage Merchant with him in Omashu. It wasn't that he thought of the Cabbage Merchant as a pet; after all, the irate vender wasn't Flopsie. At times he seemed to treat them the same. He'd say to the Cabbage Merchant, "Daddy wants a kiss!" He'd stop there with Flopsy. With the Cabbage Merchant, he'd keep going. The commands kept coming. And how could the Cabbage Merchant deny a powerful Earthbending king? Especially one who was a master of Neutral Jing. The feelings were real, and that part mattered.

They needed each other.


End file.
